The Style Invitational
Week 751 Strike Gold
Saturday, February 2,
2008; C02
"I
Wove Lucy": Documentary about Appalachian women who sew dolls based on
"Peanuts" characters.
"Charlie's
Rangels": An A&E "Biography"
installment on the New York congressman and his adorable family.
Even
people who are willing to watch "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader"
are beginning to figure out that the networks are starting to run out of
"unscripted fare" as the writers' strike drags on (at least it was
dragging at press time). Fairly New and Remarkably Successful Loser Christopher
Lamora of Arlington suggests that we help them out.
This week: Slightly change the name of an existing or former TV show to create
a program that can scab the writers' strike -- a reality show, a game show, a
news show, a documentary, anything but a fictional series with a plot, as in
Christopher's examples above.
Winner
gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a
perfectly decorous khaki-colored baseball cap, donated by Dave Prevar. Decorous, that is, until you read the logo: It says
"Puke & Snot," referring to the comedy duo that pops up at
various Renaissance festivals.
Other
runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or
yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that
week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per
entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@ washpost.
com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 11. Put "Week
751" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as
spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry.
Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become
the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or
content. Results will be published March 1. No purchase required for entry.
Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not
eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised
title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland,
who this week receives his -- gasp -- 1,200th blot of ink; this week's
Honorable Mentions names are by Kevin Dopart and Ned
Andrews, respectively.
Keep
Shooting! Photo Contest No. 4
We're
still accepting entries for our photo contest to illustrate, humorously, any of
five captions listed below. Deadline is Feb. 25; see the contest rules here:
Week 750.
I should
have just stayed in bed today.
Washington,
D.C.: Sister City of Xplf, Planet Zornog
Seventy-eight
percent of Americans consider their pet "an equal member of the
family."
Chris has
never been quite like the other kids.
This is
why it is important to read the directions on the package.
Report From Week 747, in which we sought
some amusing ways to improve the experience of airline travel. My, were you
people bitter -- Heaven forbid that you are a fat person or a parent if you
ever ride with these entrants. Numerous Losers suggested having the planes just
travel on the ground; that passengers should get to vote people off the plane;
potluck meals; and, for some reason, in-flight karaoke. Some people sent in
ideas that were entirely too sensible, like one from Tom Witte of Montgomery
Village that people without luggage should get to sit down first, or Steve Buttry's suggestion to change smoking lounges to cellphone lounges.
4.
Have the first-class passengers board last, to spare the rest of us their
smirks as we file in. (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase; Rick Haynes, Potomac)
3.
Parents with small children must wait to board the plane until after it has
taken off. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)
2.
the winner of the VHS tape of "Fisher Price Little People Discovering
Animals," one of the few items arguably more irritating than sitting for
an hour on the tarmac: It works for FedEx: Instead of this complicated network
of city-to-city flights, just send everyone to a holding pen in Memphis, and
then when there are enough passengers for a flight to, say, Yazoo City, just load
up and send them out! While waiting, passengers in the pen could fold napkins
or something. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
And the Winner of the
Inker
Install
removable tray tables. Then when the person in front of you reclines his seat
to the supine position, you can place your tray, drinks and all, right on his
face. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)
Starting Our Descent, or
the Kilometer-High Club
Install
a timer that automatically pops open the bathroom door after three minutes of
use. (Larry Yungk, Arlington)
Just
take out that whole al-Qaeda cell of grannies with nail files and hand lotion
and be done with it. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown)
Serve
the meals already in barf bags. (John Kupiec,
Fairfax)
Seat
the smelly fat guys next to the screaming children: more space for the former,
muffling the latter, and saving me from both. (Jacob Aldridge, Gaythorne, Australia, a First Offender)
When
the person in front of you reclines too far into your space, his entire seat
snaps shut like a bear trap for the remainder of the flight. (Anne Paris,
Arlington)
Hire
a second person to handle luggage at Dulles. (Steve Buttry,
Herndon)
Cut
down on restroom use by giving passengers a third of a can of soft drink
instead of half a can. And the airlines might save another $10 a flight!
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
In
the spirit of paying people to give up their seats on overbooked flights, pay
me for not buying a ticket in the first place. (Ellen Raphaeli,
Falls Church)
A
free drink for everyone surrounding a crying baby; two free drinks for the
baby. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.)
Passengers
are seated in sections based on personal appearance; you can use frequent-flier
miles to upgrade from "Mildly Grotesque" to "Not Bad" or
"Sorta Hot." (Jeff Brechlin)
Land
the planes backward to reduce that lurching feeling in the seat. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)
Oxygen
masks are so sterile and uninteresting -- we should get replicas of attractive
celebrities that inflate and drop from the ceilings for us to press our lips
against. If oxygen still came out, even better. (Dan Ramish,
Vienna)
Allow
infants and small children to relax during the flight inside specially padded
and soundproofed overhead compartments in the rear of the plane. Water and food
pellets can be provided as in guinea pig cages. (Roberta Wilkes, Seattle, a
First Offender)
Install
onboard vending machines, so the flight attendants can concentrate on flying
the plane. (John O'Byrne, Dublin)
Attach
a toilet to the front of the beverage cart that's blocking the aisle. (Ben Aronin, Washington; Russ Taylor, Vienna)
Award
my mileage points on the basis of where my luggage travels. (Ellen Raphaeli)
Everyone
submits a photo when booking. At check-in, for $50 you can switch from the seat
next to the fat guy or the 2-year-old to the seat next to the cute girl. For
$100, she can get away from you and sit next to the fat guy. (Michael Fransella, Arlington)
When
passengers are trapped in a plane on the tarmac for more than five hours, they
get to sell the plane and split the proceeds. (Cy Gardner, Arlington)
Create
a no-frills airline called My Corporate Jet, so it sounds better when people
ask how I got to the meeting. (Russ Taylor)
Tape
baseball cards to the wheels so the plane makes a cool race car noise as it
takes off. (Steve Langer)
During
a long flight, we should be allowed to kick off our shoes and light up. --
Richard Reid, U.S. Ad-Max Facility, Florence, Colo. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)
Emergency
slide Fridays! (Randy Lee, Burke)
Next Week: Dead Letters,
or The Dirge Report